Meeting 8:

GL:   *scowls*   You people have been avoiding me.

E:  *yawns*  That’s because you admitted last time that we’re all guinea pigs for your stupid thesis.

GL:  I said no such thing!

E:  But you let it slip.

GL:  …Not the same thing.

Me:  Can we get this thing going? I have stuff to do tonight.

You:  Me, too.

C:  *whimpers* I’m already confused.

D:  I’m starting to buy into the whole cellophane conspiracy thing.

GL:  Excellent. Let’s start with that. Tell us more, D.

D:  Well, I bought Prison Break: Season One, and it took me almost the whole first episode just to get the plastic off.

C:  How did you watch the first episode if the plastic was still on?

D:  No, I mean–

Me:  And why didn’t you just use a pocket knife?

GL:  Hey, no weapons are allowed in this room.

E:  Afraid someone will use one on you?

GL:  *scowl*  You are about one step away from forced graduation, buddy.

You:  I am?  *glows*  I didn’t even know I was making progress!

GL:  Not you. Him.

C:  Him, huh? Another new member? I still haven’t met It, She, or I. Good grief. Am I missing meetings or something?

GL:  NO YOU ARE NOT!  *gets ahold of self*  Please, people. Let’s stick to the ground rules.

E:  We have ground rules? I’d like to see them.

Me:  Actually, I would, too.

GL:  Well, you can’t. Tough. D?

E:  *raises hand* Question: you said something about gradua–

D:  Anyway, when I got the plastic off, there was this little plastic thingy stuck to it. At first, I thought it was the anti-theft thing, but I found another one inside the box. So I got to thinking that maybe C is right, and that outer plastic thingy is beaming my frustration level back to the Easy Bake.

C:  *is teary-eyed*  You actually listened to me?

Me:  Why wouldn’t he? Unlike you, I usually make sense.

You:  Hey! I’m sitting right here!

Me:  Not you. Him.

C:  Who’s Him??

GL:  *facepalms*  You people are all hopeless! At this rate, I will NEVER get my Master’s!!

E:  HA! I knew it! You ARE just milking us for your stupid paper!

GL:  Group is OVER! FOREVER!

E:  Sweet!  *runs from the room*

Me:  Hey, You. Need a ride?

You:  I could use one, what with gas being so–

E:  *walks back in, hands in pockets*

GL:  HA! I knew you needed this program! Oh, sweet justification! Are you finally ready to admit your addiction and commit to treatment?

E:  *blinks*  Um, no. My ride won’t be back for another good 45 minutes.

GL:   GAH! EVERYBODY OUT!

All:  *run for cover*

C:  *gasping*  Where’s a little plastic beamy thing when you need it? I bet they’d be getting REAMS of data off THAT guy.

Meeting 7:

GL: Well, I see we all showed up after the long vacation. How did everyone’s holiday go?

E: I didn’t even watch TV the whole time. Why am I here?

Me: I watched football. Does that count?

GL: Was it football on DVD?

Me: O.o

GL: Then no.

You: *raises hand*

GL: Yes, You?

You: Um…I really really wanted to buy some new TV-on-DVD this weekend, but I didn’t.

GL: *sits forward* That’s excellent! Real progress! My thesis is secure!

E: *zeroes in* Your WHAT??

GL: Ahem. I mean…go on, You.

E: *glares*

Me: *glares*

C: *doesn’t notice*

You: I hate to disappoint, GL, but it wasn’t progress so much as…um…lack of funds.

GL: *blinks* Don’t follow.

D: She’s broke.

C: Do we have a new member?

All: *blink*

C: Who is She?

D: She’s You. Where have you been?

C: You’s right there. Who is She?

D: O.o

Me: O.o

E: *facepalms repeatedly*

GL: *blinks* Oooookaaaaay. You were saying?

C: I was saying that–

You: I was saying that it’s not progress from the group. I simply couldn’t afford to buy any more TV-on-DVD. I’m broke.

C: I still haven’t met I. Is She I?

E: *groans and curls into fetal position*

Me: C, there’s no “she”. It’s just a pronoun.

C: *looks terribly thoughtful* So we have THREE members I haven’t met. It, She, and I. Am I sleeping through these meetings, or what??

E: *sucks thumb*

GL: …

All: …

C: O.o

GL: …Well, I think this has been an extremely helpful session. We have measurable progress with one member–

You: *raises hand* Actually, I tried to tell you–

GL: –and everyone else has that lovely glazed over look that means you’re absorbing a large chunk of useful information–

Me: *snorts* Or a large chunk of bullshi–

GL: –so I think this is a great time to stop for the week. See you all again next session.

Me: Someone want to help me get E into his car? He’s…a little…broken.

Meeting 6

GL: It’s been a long time since our last meeting, but I see we still have a booming membership.

Me: I have no idea what I’m doing here.

D: I thought you were Me. If you’re Me…who’s I?

Me: *blink*

E: Please. For the love of God and all His nephews, let me go. I swear I’ll never tell what I experienced here. The torture. The agony. The…the conspiracy theories.

C: Did you know that they’re double-coating DVDs now? That first coat is a subliminal sound track that brainwashes us to buy more DVDs.

E: …That actually makes sense. I’ve definitely been here too long. *curls into fetal position*

You: Um…I bought more stuff. Can I have a turn?

Me: You spin me right round, baby, right round like a record, baby, right round round round.

ALL: *blinkblink*

GL: Well, I think that about does it for today. Great session, everyone. Good sharing.

E: Who shared?

Me: I didn’t.

D: I thought you were Me?

You: No, I’m You. She’s Me. And I didn’t really get to share, either. I need to talk about–

C: If I’m You and she’s Me, who are They?

D: *twitch*

Me: *facepalm*

E: *sucks thumb*

C: *sage nod* Exactly. And that cellophane shrink wrap? It’s scientifically engineered to test the limits of your sanity as you try to get it off. The little magnet inside the cover isn’t for store loss prevention; it beams your sanity level back to a secret lab in Poughkeepsie, where they keep everything in a computer designed to look like an Easy Bake oven.

D: …I’m confused.

Me: Me, too.

D: So you ARE Me! I knew it!

Me: *facepalm*

E: *twitchtwitch*

Me: Hey, man, are you okay? You look a little…regressed.

GL: It’s a new technique I’m trying. You reduce the patient to a childlike, innocent state to get to the things that really hurt, that really bother, that cause the current problems.

Me: So…how to you get them back?

GL: …Working on that. It’s…a new treatment.

You: *scowls* New as in experimental?

GL: And that’s definitely all the time we have for today. Next time, we’ll talk about You’s impulse buy and techniques to keep you around for another few weeks.

D: But–

You: That’s not–

Me: Charlatan!

E: *pulls thumb out of mouth* I need a blankie. Does anyone have a blankie? Preferably one with a tag I can tickle back and forth under my nose.

C: Sounds kinky.

Me: Oh, God. We should all have left fifteen minutes ago.

E: Who are you kidding? We should have never come in the first place.

Me: *sighs with relief* Good to have you back, E. Thought we’d lost you for a minute.

E: It’s time for my bottle. Not too hot, please. I like my tastebuds just the way they are — functional.

You: That’s it. I’m outta here.

GL: See you next week!

E: Are you kidding?

Meeting 5

GL: Good news, group. We have yet another new member.

E: Run! For the love of God and your very soul, RUN!

GL: *thwaps E*

You: Welcome to the group. What are we calling you?

GL: Group, please welcome Me.

C: …I’m confused.

D: I hate to agree with C, but…me, too. Why are we welcoming you to the group?

You: I’ve already been welcomed. Heck, I was a charter member.

Me: Is it my turn yet?

E: …Even I’m confused.

GL: Not me, people. Me.

ALL: *blink*

GL: *sighs* Me, why don’t you introduce yourself.

You: It’s not my turn yet.

GL: *boggles*

Me: *boggles*

C: *whimpers*

D and E: *boggle*

Me: …Is it my turn yet?

C: I…don’t…KNOW!

GL: Oi. We gotta get a better HIPAA system.
 
Me: Okay, then. Um…hello. My name is–

GL: Shhht! No names!

Me: *boggles*

You: It’s a HIPAA thing. At least we get You and Me instead of a letter.

E: *glares*

Me: Um…okaaaay…so, I’m Me. And I’m a recent addict, thanks to You.

GL: *eyes us* You two know each other?

You: Are you talking to me?

GL: No, I’m talking to you.

You: Me?

GL: No! You!

Me: I think he means you, You.

You: Oh. Kay. Um.

E: This is ridiculous.

D: We need a just.

C: Why?

D: So we can sit him between those two.

E: *glares* Not. Funny.

C: I don’t get it.

Me: *rolls eyes* Just between You and Me.

C: …I don’t get it.

D: Never mind.

GL: Please, people. Let’s try to get back on track. Me, tell us your story.

Me: I was more of a user than an addict until just recently. You got me started–

D: I did not.

Me: What?

D: You were looking at me. I didn’t get you started on ANYTHING.

You: *facepalm*

GL: *facepalm*

E: Can I die now? I mean, seriously. I think I’ve seen everything. 
 
GL: Me, please continue.

E: Even the group leader is talking to himself. This place drives people crazy.

Me: Okay. Um. So anyway, I was content just to borrow stuff from You…*waits for someone to comment*…because I’m really not much for TV, anyway.

C: Blasphemy!

GL: Go on.

Me: I mean, the only TV program I’d bought on DVD was Firefly–

E: Now that is a good show.

GL: Ha! See, you DO have a problem!

You: I admit that freely.

GL: Not you. E.

Me: Me?

GL: No, E.

Me: *boggles*

GL: Never mind. Go on.

C: Do you catch yourself wanting a Big Mac when you watch TV-on-DVD?

Me: Do you?

C: *wibbles* Sometimes.

D: …I’m not sure I can argue with that. Sometimes…I do want a Big Mac.

E: I. Am. In. HELL.

C: The people watch you while you’re watching them. The television is a two-way street.

Me: *leans over to You* Is he all there?

You: None of us are.

GL: People!

C: Purple!

All: *boggle*

C: I thought we were playing word association. I’m actually good at that game.

Me: Can I be done? I’m…kinda weirded out now.

E: Welcome to the group. You are now officially one of us.

You: I already was.

E: Not You. Her.

D: Is that another new member? Geez, I seriously can’t keep up.

GL: I…think that’s enough for today. Even I’m confused, and I know your real identities.

C: Ooooh…I like that. It makes us…like…superheroes. And only one person knows who we really are, and that guy’s our nemesis.

E: Oh. My. God.

D: So…does that mean that GL is actually our enemy?

E: Enemaaaa, people.

C: …I’m confused.

Me: *tries to hide a snicker…fails miserably*

E: We’re gonna get alone just fine.

You: Is it just me, or do we not really do anything productive in these meetings? I mean, I’m here for help with my TV-on-DVD addiction, not to throw around crack-pot theories and whine a lot.

E: It’s not whining when it’s done with style.

GL: Actually, I’m glad you brought that up, You. *blinks* Wow. That’s…rather redundant.

You: *facepalms*

Me: *facepalms*

E: *witholds facepalm for a better opportunity*

GL: Anyway…I think You has a point.

D: Baaaaad grammar.

GL: We need to stay a little more on track in these meetings from now on. Same time next week?

You: Wait!

All: *freeze on the way to the door*

GL: What?

C: Whale! Wicca! Wichita! Waukegan!

D: Wow. You really are good at that game.

E: *grumbles* Except we’re not playing.

You: We never said the pledge.

Me: Wow, you guys do the Pledge of Allegiance? That’s kinda cool, actually. Haven’t said it since I was a kid.

You: No, the group pledge.

GL: Oh, come on. Even I don’t care if we say it or not.

You: It’s a valuable part of our therapy! You said so at the first meeting! I’m here for therapy, darn it, and I’m not leaving until I get it!

Me: Wow, You. I’ve never seen this side of you before.

C: Try standing over here. It’s the Other Side.

Me: *boggles*

GL: Meeting adjourned. Seriously. Get out of here until next week.

Meeting 4:

Group Leader: Welcome back, everyone, and welcome to our new members, D and E.

You: What about the credo?

GL: *groans* Do we have to recite it every time?

ALL:  *boggle*

GL: Fine. All together now.

ALL:  *droning together* Wait ’til the commercial.

GL: Everybody happy now? Good. Then I’d like to introduce D and E.

You: We have got to come up with a better name system.

GL: No names!

C: *cringes*

You: *rolls eyes*

D: *raises hand* Is it my turn yet?

GL: Absolutely. Please introduce yourself — no names! — and tell us a little about your addiction.

E: *raises hand* Can I interrupt?

GL: Since you already have….

E: Great. I have no idea what I’m doing here. This is the most pointless use for therapy I’ve ever heard of. Who on Earth is addicted to TV-on-DVD?

GL: Ah. I see you haven’t yet committed to treatment. We’ll work on that, E. Let’s let D have a turn, shall we?

E: *facepalms*

D: Um…yeah. My name is–

GL: No names!

D: *boggles* I was gonna say D.

GL: …Oh.

E: *sinks down in chair*

D: Anyway, I’m D, and I’m an addict. My shows of choice are House, MD and Law & Order, but I’ve been known to dabble in CSI and NYPD Blue, too. I…I see them on the shelf…and they just look so…so mysterious…so fascinating….

E: Okay, I can see why he’s here, but why am I? I don’t even watch TV!

GL: Oh, come on. Everyone watches the news, at least. Tell me you don’t flip on the weather report before going to work in the morning.

E: I don’t. I guess I watch football, but that’s not TV-on-DVD, and if I miss a game…oh, well.

GL: *shakes head sadly* Denial.

D, C, and You: *shake heads sadly* Denial.

E: *glares*

C: You know, televisions are engineered to emit subphonic signals that urge you to drink beer.

ALL:  *boggle*

C: I read it. In a magazine.

D: A tabloid, maybe?

C: …What’s a tabloid?

D: Never mind.

GL: Let’s try to keep things on track. Tell me, E, what the last DVD you bought was.

E: Well, I do like movies, so I buy a lot of DVDs.

GL: HA!

E: But they’re movies, not TV series slapped down in a row.

GL: Humor me.

E: *rolls eyes* Fine. Um…The Forbidden Kingdom.

D: Ah. Kung fu. Good stuff.

E: You ain’t kidding. And before that…probably the Die Hard movies.

C: Bruce Willis is a god.

E: And here I thought you were paranoid.

C: …What’s paranoid?

GL: Oi. Maybe we should reconvene next week? This is going nowhere.

E: Do I have to be here?

GL: Yes.

E: Then what do I care? Now or then, the pain remains the same.

You: Can I say something?

GL: *blinks* Of course, You. I forgot you were here.

C: Did you forget I was here?

D: Do we have an I? I didn’t think we were that far down the alphabet.

ALL: *boggle*

You: Never mind. I don’t have anything to contribute. I’ll just…be quiet now.

GL: Okaaaaay. Then…see you next week?

E: If someone puts a gun to my head.

GL: *glares*

You: I’ll be here. I just bought the latest season of The Closer. I just couldn’t help myself.

D: I guess.

C: The TV says I should stop coming to group…but I kinda like it here. I feel safe here.

GL: Well, that’s…good…then. Until next week.

Meeting 3

Group Leader:  Hello and welcome to the TV-on-DVD Support Group for Addicts. Our last session was…shall we say…counterproductive…so let’s try to make this one a little more helpful, shall we? Okay, everyone stand and recite the credo.

A, B, and C:  *droning together*  “Wait ’til the commercial.”

GL: Very good. Now, moving on with our agenda–

You: Hey, I thought the credo was “No talking during the show or I’ll have to pay for the TV-on-DVD series”?

A: What, are you kidding? You’re SO gonna buy the TV-on-DVD series, anyway.

B: If she hasn’t already.

You: Hey! There’s nothing wrong with treating myself when I skimp everywhere else!

C: Stop. Talking. During. The show. Don’t you guys remember the credo??

A: *whispers to B*  She probably has a supplier.

B: *whispers loudly to A* He probably pirates them.

You: Hey! My rep only buys the best quality!

C: Quality schmality…as long as it quenches the fix, man. Hey, did you know that the special features on most DVDs are only there to hide how much useable space is wasted on each disc? I mean, seriously. One DVD holds two full movie tracks–full screen and wide screen–and how many extras, but another of the same basic quality only holds a movie and a commentary?

ALL: *boggle at C*

A: Football’s better.

B: Pssh. Only college ball. And then only because those kids are really trying.

A: And professional players aren’t? They have paychecks to earn, you know.

You: REMEMBER THE CREDO!! And quit dogging me about TV-on-DVD when you watch stupid stuff like sports.

C: *chants mantra* Everyone will leave me alone. The TV is my friend. Everyone will leave me alone. The TV is my friend. Everyone will–

A: *thwaps C* Shut UP. We’re trying to have a conversation here that has nothing to do with television!

GL:  *boggles*  I think it’s safe to say that A and B are cured. The rest of you…shut up and watch TV.

You: *facepalm* Don’t you mean don’t watch TV?

GL: …Whatever. I’m afraid we’ll have to give up–errrr…break group until next time. Great progress, people. Same time next week.

C: But…but…the commercials! With the commercials, we only got 42 minutes of group time!

You: And A and B bickered through most of it. I didn’t get anything out of this session.

GL: Don’t worry. We’ll have new members next week. A whole new group. And C? I promise we’ll see what we can do about those commercials.

C: It’s all a corporate rip-off.

You: Oh, God, don’t get him started. Let’s just get outta here.

A and B: Suckers!!