Meeting 5

GL: Good news, group. We have yet another new member.

E: Run! For the love of God and your very soul, RUN!

GL: *thwaps E*

You: Welcome to the group. What are we calling you?

GL: Group, please welcome Me.

C: …I’m confused.

D: I hate to agree with C, but…me, too. Why are we welcoming you to the group?

You: I’ve already been welcomed. Heck, I was a charter member.

Me: Is it my turn yet?

E: …Even I’m confused.

GL: Not me, people. Me.

ALL: *blink*

GL: *sighs* Me, why don’t you introduce yourself.

You: It’s not my turn yet.

GL: *boggles*

Me: *boggles*

C: *whimpers*

D and E: *boggle*

Me: …Is it my turn yet?

C: I…don’t…KNOW!

GL: Oi. We gotta get a better HIPAA system.
 
Me: Okay, then. Um…hello. My name is–

GL: Shhht! No names!

Me: *boggles*

You: It’s a HIPAA thing. At least we get You and Me instead of a letter.

E: *glares*

Me: Um…okaaaay…so, I’m Me. And I’m a recent addict, thanks to You.

GL: *eyes us* You two know each other?

You: Are you talking to me?

GL: No, I’m talking to you.

You: Me?

GL: No! You!

Me: I think he means you, You.

You: Oh. Kay. Um.

E: This is ridiculous.

D: We need a just.

C: Why?

D: So we can sit him between those two.

E: *glares* Not. Funny.

C: I don’t get it.

Me: *rolls eyes* Just between You and Me.

C: …I don’t get it.

D: Never mind.

GL: Please, people. Let’s try to get back on track. Me, tell us your story.

Me: I was more of a user than an addict until just recently. You got me started–

D: I did not.

Me: What?

D: You were looking at me. I didn’t get you started on ANYTHING.

You: *facepalm*

GL: *facepalm*

E: Can I die now? I mean, seriously. I think I’ve seen everything. 
 
GL: Me, please continue.

E: Even the group leader is talking to himself. This place drives people crazy.

Me: Okay. Um. So anyway, I was content just to borrow stuff from You…*waits for someone to comment*…because I’m really not much for TV, anyway.

C: Blasphemy!

GL: Go on.

Me: I mean, the only TV program I’d bought on DVD was Firefly–

E: Now that is a good show.

GL: Ha! See, you DO have a problem!

You: I admit that freely.

GL: Not you. E.

Me: Me?

GL: No, E.

Me: *boggles*

GL: Never mind. Go on.

C: Do you catch yourself wanting a Big Mac when you watch TV-on-DVD?

Me: Do you?

C: *wibbles* Sometimes.

D: …I’m not sure I can argue with that. Sometimes…I do want a Big Mac.

E: I. Am. In. HELL.

C: The people watch you while you’re watching them. The television is a two-way street.

Me: *leans over to You* Is he all there?

You: None of us are.

GL: People!

C: Purple!

All: *boggle*

C: I thought we were playing word association. I’m actually good at that game.

Me: Can I be done? I’m…kinda weirded out now.

E: Welcome to the group. You are now officially one of us.

You: I already was.

E: Not You. Her.

D: Is that another new member? Geez, I seriously can’t keep up.

GL: I…think that’s enough for today. Even I’m confused, and I know your real identities.

C: Ooooh…I like that. It makes us…like…superheroes. And only one person knows who we really are, and that guy’s our nemesis.

E: Oh. My. God.

D: So…does that mean that GL is actually our enemy?

E: Enemaaaa, people.

C: …I’m confused.

Me: *tries to hide a snicker…fails miserably*

E: We’re gonna get alone just fine.

You: Is it just me, or do we not really do anything productive in these meetings? I mean, I’m here for help with my TV-on-DVD addiction, not to throw around crack-pot theories and whine a lot.

E: It’s not whining when it’s done with style.

GL: Actually, I’m glad you brought that up, You. *blinks* Wow. That’s…rather redundant.

You: *facepalms*

Me: *facepalms*

E: *witholds facepalm for a better opportunity*

GL: Anyway…I think You has a point.

D: Baaaaad grammar.

GL: We need to stay a little more on track in these meetings from now on. Same time next week?

You: Wait!

All: *freeze on the way to the door*

GL: What?

C: Whale! Wicca! Wichita! Waukegan!

D: Wow. You really are good at that game.

E: *grumbles* Except we’re not playing.

You: We never said the pledge.

Me: Wow, you guys do the Pledge of Allegiance? That’s kinda cool, actually. Haven’t said it since I was a kid.

You: No, the group pledge.

GL: Oh, come on. Even I don’t care if we say it or not.

You: It’s a valuable part of our therapy! You said so at the first meeting! I’m here for therapy, darn it, and I’m not leaving until I get it!

Me: Wow, You. I’ve never seen this side of you before.

C: Try standing over here. It’s the Other Side.

Me: *boggles*

GL: Meeting adjourned. Seriously. Get out of here until next week.

Meeting 4:

Group Leader: Welcome back, everyone, and welcome to our new members, D and E.

You: What about the credo?

GL: *groans* Do we have to recite it every time?

ALL:  *boggle*

GL: Fine. All together now.

ALL:  *droning together* Wait ’til the commercial.

GL: Everybody happy now? Good. Then I’d like to introduce D and E.

You: We have got to come up with a better name system.

GL: No names!

C: *cringes*

You: *rolls eyes*

D: *raises hand* Is it my turn yet?

GL: Absolutely. Please introduce yourself — no names! — and tell us a little about your addiction.

E: *raises hand* Can I interrupt?

GL: Since you already have….

E: Great. I have no idea what I’m doing here. This is the most pointless use for therapy I’ve ever heard of. Who on Earth is addicted to TV-on-DVD?

GL: Ah. I see you haven’t yet committed to treatment. We’ll work on that, E. Let’s let D have a turn, shall we?

E: *facepalms*

D: Um…yeah. My name is–

GL: No names!

D: *boggles* I was gonna say D.

GL: …Oh.

E: *sinks down in chair*

D: Anyway, I’m D, and I’m an addict. My shows of choice are House, MD and Law & Order, but I’ve been known to dabble in CSI and NYPD Blue, too. I…I see them on the shelf…and they just look so…so mysterious…so fascinating….

E: Okay, I can see why he’s here, but why am I? I don’t even watch TV!

GL: Oh, come on. Everyone watches the news, at least. Tell me you don’t flip on the weather report before going to work in the morning.

E: I don’t. I guess I watch football, but that’s not TV-on-DVD, and if I miss a game…oh, well.

GL: *shakes head sadly* Denial.

D, C, and You: *shake heads sadly* Denial.

E: *glares*

C: You know, televisions are engineered to emit subphonic signals that urge you to drink beer.

ALL:  *boggle*

C: I read it. In a magazine.

D: A tabloid, maybe?

C: …What’s a tabloid?

D: Never mind.

GL: Let’s try to keep things on track. Tell me, E, what the last DVD you bought was.

E: Well, I do like movies, so I buy a lot of DVDs.

GL: HA!

E: But they’re movies, not TV series slapped down in a row.

GL: Humor me.

E: *rolls eyes* Fine. Um…The Forbidden Kingdom.

D: Ah. Kung fu. Good stuff.

E: You ain’t kidding. And before that…probably the Die Hard movies.

C: Bruce Willis is a god.

E: And here I thought you were paranoid.

C: …What’s paranoid?

GL: Oi. Maybe we should reconvene next week? This is going nowhere.

E: Do I have to be here?

GL: Yes.

E: Then what do I care? Now or then, the pain remains the same.

You: Can I say something?

GL: *blinks* Of course, You. I forgot you were here.

C: Did you forget I was here?

D: Do we have an I? I didn’t think we were that far down the alphabet.

ALL: *boggle*

You: Never mind. I don’t have anything to contribute. I’ll just…be quiet now.

GL: Okaaaaay. Then…see you next week?

E: If someone puts a gun to my head.

GL: *glares*

You: I’ll be here. I just bought the latest season of The Closer. I just couldn’t help myself.

D: I guess.

C: The TV says I should stop coming to group…but I kinda like it here. I feel safe here.

GL: Well, that’s…good…then. Until next week.

Meeting 3

Group Leader:  Hello and welcome to the TV-on-DVD Support Group for Addicts. Our last session was…shall we say…counterproductive…so let’s try to make this one a little more helpful, shall we? Okay, everyone stand and recite the credo.

A, B, and C:  *droning together*  “Wait ’til the commercial.”

GL: Very good. Now, moving on with our agenda–

You: Hey, I thought the credo was “No talking during the show or I’ll have to pay for the TV-on-DVD series”?

A: What, are you kidding? You’re SO gonna buy the TV-on-DVD series, anyway.

B: If she hasn’t already.

You: Hey! There’s nothing wrong with treating myself when I skimp everywhere else!

C: Stop. Talking. During. The show. Don’t you guys remember the credo??

A: *whispers to B*  She probably has a supplier.

B: *whispers loudly to A* He probably pirates them.

You: Hey! My rep only buys the best quality!

C: Quality schmality…as long as it quenches the fix, man. Hey, did you know that the special features on most DVDs are only there to hide how much useable space is wasted on each disc? I mean, seriously. One DVD holds two full movie tracks–full screen and wide screen–and how many extras, but another of the same basic quality only holds a movie and a commentary?

ALL: *boggle at C*

A: Football’s better.

B: Pssh. Only college ball. And then only because those kids are really trying.

A: And professional players aren’t? They have paychecks to earn, you know.

You: REMEMBER THE CREDO!! And quit dogging me about TV-on-DVD when you watch stupid stuff like sports.

C: *chants mantra* Everyone will leave me alone. The TV is my friend. Everyone will leave me alone. The TV is my friend. Everyone will–

A: *thwaps C* Shut UP. We’re trying to have a conversation here that has nothing to do with television!

GL:  *boggles*  I think it’s safe to say that A and B are cured. The rest of you…shut up and watch TV.

You: *facepalm* Don’t you mean don’t watch TV?

GL: …Whatever. I’m afraid we’ll have to give up–errrr…break group until next time. Great progress, people. Same time next week.

C: But…but…the commercials! With the commercials, we only got 42 minutes of group time!

You: And A and B bickered through most of it. I didn’t get anything out of this session.

GL: Don’t worry. We’ll have new members next week. A whole new group. And C? I promise we’ll see what we can do about those commercials.

C: It’s all a corporate rip-off.

You: Oh, God, don’t get him started. Let’s just get outta here.

A and B: Suckers!!