Group Leader: Hello and welcome to the TV-on-DVD Support Group for Addicts. Our last session was…shall we say…counterproductive…so let’s try to make this one a little more helpful, shall we? Okay, everyone stand and recite the credo.
A, B, and C: *droning together* “Wait ’til the commercial.”
GL: Very good. Now, moving on with our agenda–
You: Hey, I thought the credo was “No talking during the show or I’ll have to pay for the TV-on-DVD series”?
A: What, are you kidding? You’re SO gonna buy the TV-on-DVD series, anyway.
B: If she hasn’t already.
You: Hey! There’s nothing wrong with treating myself when I skimp everywhere else!
C: Stop. Talking. During. The show. Don’t you guys remember the credo??
A: *whispers to B* She probably has a supplier.
B: *whispers loudly to A* He probably pirates them.
You: Hey! My rep only buys the best quality!
C: Quality schmality…as long as it quenches the fix, man. Hey, did you know that the special features on most DVDs are only there to hide how much useable space is wasted on each disc? I mean, seriously. One DVD holds two full movie tracks–full screen and wide screen–and how many extras, but another of the same basic quality only holds a movie and a commentary?
ALL: *boggle at C*
A: Football’s better.
B: Pssh. Only college ball. And then only because those kids are really trying.
A: And professional players aren’t? They have paychecks to earn, you know.
You: REMEMBER THE CREDO!! And quit dogging me about TV-on-DVD when you watch stupid stuff like sports.
C: *chants mantra* Everyone will leave me alone. The TV is my friend. Everyone will leave me alone. The TV is my friend. Everyone will–
A: *thwaps C* Shut UP. We’re trying to have a conversation here that has nothing to do with television!
GL: *boggles* I think it’s safe to say that A and B are cured. The rest of you…shut up and watch TV.
You: *facepalm* Don’t you mean don’t watch TV?
GL: …Whatever. I’m afraid we’ll have to give up–errrr…break group until next time. Great progress, people. Same time next week.
C: But…but…the commercials! With the commercials, we only got 42 minutes of group time!
You: And A and B bickered through most of it. I didn’t get anything out of this session.
GL: Don’t worry. We’ll have new members next week. A whole new group. And C? I promise we’ll see what we can do about those commercials.
C: It’s all a corporate rip-off.
You: Oh, God, don’t get him started. Let’s just get outta here.
A and B: Suckers!!
