GL: It’s been a long time since our last meeting, but I see we still have a booming membership.
Me: I have no idea what I’m doing here.
D: I thought you were Me. If you’re Me…who’s I?
Me: *blink*
E: Please. For the love of God and all His nephews, let me go. I swear I’ll never tell what I experienced here. The torture. The agony. The…the conspiracy theories.
C: Did you know that they’re double-coating DVDs now? That first coat is a subliminal sound track that brainwashes us to buy more DVDs.
E: …That actually makes sense. I’ve definitely been here too long. *curls into fetal position*
You: Um…I bought more stuff. Can I have a turn?
Me: You spin me right round, baby, right round like a record, baby, right round round round.
ALL: *blinkblink*
GL: Well, I think that about does it for today. Great session, everyone. Good sharing.
E: Who shared?
Me: I didn’t.
D: I thought you were Me?
You: No, I’m You. She’s Me. And I didn’t really get to share, either. I need to talk about–
C: If I’m You and she’s Me, who are They?
D: *twitch*
Me: *facepalm*
E: *sucks thumb*
C: *sage nod* Exactly. And that cellophane shrink wrap? It’s scientifically engineered to test the limits of your sanity as you try to get it off. The little magnet inside the cover isn’t for store loss prevention; it beams your sanity level back to a secret lab in Poughkeepsie, where they keep everything in a computer designed to look like an Easy Bake oven.
D: …I’m confused.
Me: Me, too.
D: So you ARE Me! I knew it!
Me: *facepalm*
E: *twitchtwitch*
Me: Hey, man, are you okay? You look a little…regressed.
GL: It’s a new technique I’m trying. You reduce the patient to a childlike, innocent state to get to the things that really hurt, that really bother, that cause the current problems.
Me: So…how to you get them back?
GL: …Working on that. It’s…a new treatment.
You: *scowls* New as in experimental?
GL: And that’s definitely all the time we have for today. Next time, we’ll talk about You’s impulse buy and techniques to keep you around for another few weeks.
D: But–
You: That’s not–
Me: Charlatan!
E: *pulls thumb out of mouth* I need a blankie. Does anyone have a blankie? Preferably one with a tag I can tickle back and forth under my nose.
C: Sounds kinky.
Me: Oh, God. We should all have left fifteen minutes ago.
E: Who are you kidding? We should have never come in the first place.
Me: *sighs with relief* Good to have you back, E. Thought we’d lost you for a minute.
E: It’s time for my bottle. Not too hot, please. I like my tastebuds just the way they are — functional.
You: That’s it. I’m outta here.
GL: See you next week!
E: Are you kidding?
